“Dear Ross” by Hannah Sothcott

In a new venture for Clarissa, we’re featuring poems and micros inspired by pop culture. The first is by writer and blogger Hannah Sothcott, who takes a long hard look at everyone’s fave, Ross Geller. It’s definitely a partner piece to Lucía Carrillo‘s article “Ross Was The Worst Asshole Ever On Friends”, which is why we love it so much. 

Dear Ross,

“We were on a break.”

Yep, you agreed that. You held your breath and silenced your windpipe as you did what most would call “right”. Or you may simply have been doing what you always do, exaggerating everything in painfully squeaky decibels with such intensity that the metaphorical emotional scale is battery burst and smoking like a conked out toaster.

But you’re forgetting something. The unspoken code! You’re not on a break you gormless fool. There are words that are never said at all, because pride dictates they shouldn’t be. These words of Rachel’s that you never heard were that she still loves the shit out of you, even though your eyebrows and lips denote the shape of a Terry’s Chocolate Orange slice. You’re full of contradictions, as you whine and protest in your oblivious tone, that makes me, the helpless viewer, want to put a nappy on you.

That faultless sandwich on the side board is a product of your pickiness, as you stand there with your arms folded, as if you are in elementary school, and there’s a competition for who can sit the straightest. Your hair never falls out of place, just like your desire to be the sensible one. You’re gyrating in a neurotic concoction of remorse and despair that is so cliché I want to hurl.

Stop and sit down. Hell knows everyone else has tried to make you do this. Here’s a juice box if it will shut you up. Don’t look at me like a panda who has gone without bamboo. Don’t look at me like I have just shredded one of your gigantic sweaters (although I would very much like to).

Let’s THINK about this.

Best, Hannah


screen-shot-2016-10-04-at-11-06-32Hannah Sothcott is an 18-year self-professed maverick from the Isle of Wight. In 2015, Hannah wrote an article for Yoppul on the Isle of Wight Festival, which surprisingly resulted in publication, and praise by festival organiser John Giddings. She writes film reviews and other imaginative wordings at her blog Spoonfuls of Sunshine. In her spare time, Hannah can be found preparing for a degree in English Literature, consuming classics, babbling on about Game of Thrones, and flying the flag for those who truly believe that Bill Nighy is not playing himself in all of his films! She’s also a member of The Anon Writers.

Images: WB; Giphy


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