The Walking Dead Has Gone and Completely Shit the Bed This Time

I’m not even going to warn about spoilers because this show spoils itself. 

Last night I stayed up long past my bedtime to watch the worst season finale of any show I’ve ever seen. As a woman who has hate-watched every stupid second of The Walking Dead the same way that I imagine women hate-fuck Sean Penn (he’s a deeply unpleasant dude, right?), I was almost (okay, very) excited about the prospect of Negan entering the show. Finally the show would have a sociopathic piece of shit (played by sexopathic piece-of-ass Jeffrey Dean Morgan) prowling around the scene who might also kill off a few of the apparently invincible main characters.

Word on the internet (which we all know to be gospel) was good. Negan would be first appearing in the season 6 finale and somebody was going to be getting a licking from his barbed First Lady of baseball, Lucille. A lot of people speculated that it would be a major character, if for nothing else than because it’s about damn time whilst others accurately predicted a second scenario wherein either an inessential, stupid supporting character would get their skulls bashed in or a third scenario where absolutely fucking nothing happened.

negan

Like I said, I’ve been hate watching this show for 6 seasons now so why I thought that The Walking Dead would finally grow a pair of ovaries and unleash hell on one of it’s squad of goody-two-shoes squares is beyond me. Why I even thought that they’d manage to even kill a supporting character is also beyond me. Instead, The Walking Dead went and absolutely shit the bed when it was only time to simply drop trouser.

So, Negan does a dip between characters in order to choose the one who gets killed and then we get a POV shot of Negan killing the person in question? Are you fucking kidding me. Am I playing Goldeneye on the N64 right now? Why is there blood on the screen? Why does the sound of a person’s head getting smashed in sound like someone screwing on top of a wedding cake? Do the writers even know who got killed? Of course not! They’re making this fucking shit up as they go along, just like they have with all the rest of this show which is by far one of the worst and most frustrating shows on television.

Because I’m incapable of simply letting a bad show be, I’ve spent my morning raging over coffee and listing all the things that I hate the most about the show. Please be sure to add your most hated aspects of the show in the comments, won’t you? Let’s make this a party. Class is now in session:

1. The Walking Dead has too many characters and none that are fully developed

I understand that they’re trying to create this sprawling emotional World where super good natured, God fearing people are clinging onto each other for survival like rats stuck in the waste pipe of an all-you-can-eat BBQ buffet but by introducing so many characters you also fail to have the opportunity to develop any of them. I couldn’t tell you a single defining personality trait of any of The Walking Dead characters (besides Carol who I’ll talk about real soon) besides an extremely lazy outline. Rick? Leader. Daryl? Loveable hillbilly. Carl? Angry son. Maggie? Fertile. Glen? [Scene Missing]. Which brings me to my next point…

2. The show has more dumb ass, death fodder Red Shirts than Star Trek

Red Shirts TWD

When you introduce characters and give them a flimsy as hell reason for being there it’s pretty fucking obvious that their reason for being is to simply not be. The Walking Dead loves that shit and populates the show with a stupendous cast of morons who don’t seem capable of walking anywhere without getting bitten, cannibalised or shot in the head. Why even hire actors for these roles? Just dress some watermelon in a selection of plaid, stick a name tag on them and wheel them out in front of perilous danger for a (deliciously) gory end. Done.

3. Everyone is too clean

I know they all live in a fucking upscale housing estate now but I’ve seen more dirt and blood stains on people at most punk gigs than I ever have on the streets of a World filled with blood spurting dead people, grime and a scarcity of wash facilities.

4. The show has focused on the most boring gang of survivors ever

safe

Seriously. If I wanted to watch people living in a dysfunctional suburbia where one of the most difficult decisions to be made is Shall I bake cookies or spoon with my fella? then I’d just go and watch re-runs of Desperate Housewives. There’s nothing wrong with focusing a narrative on heroism but too many ‘heroes’ causes an over spill of senseless morality and a drought of dramatic tension. Good people are not interesting to watch. The only time that they are interesting? When you take away something that they love and push them out of their good-natured comfort zones into a spiral of impulsive, aggressive decisions. Or, you know, brutally bash their heads in whilst their pregnant wife watches. But nevermind, eh?

5. They’ve gone and fucking ‘saved’ their best character

Carol

When the show was in it’s primitive seasons, Carol was a heinous character. In fact, her position in the show as being a wimpy housewife of a woman was borderline offensive at times. So, it was genuinely spectacular to see the character develop into being the sort of cruelly damaged and slightly immoral tough bitch that you’d imagine would become of a woman during a zombie apocalypse. Carol became empowered by violence. It protected her, it protected the people she loved, and it gave her some control over the World she was in.

She was perhaps the only complex and somewhat developed character on the show; this is an abuse survivor who took the aggression she encountered from her husband and used it against a hostile environment. YASS! All about that. But you know what I’m not about? That character suddenly (and surprisingly) finding God, repenting the ‘sins’ of her trigger happy activities in order to survive and crying a fuck tonne about it all. Way to go. Why don’t you go and get her pregnant too whilst you’re at it, eh writers? Really fuck that story up good and proper.

6. Everything is unforgivably stupid

Listen, I know that this is a show that once tried to portray abortion as being as simple as chewing up a handful of morning after pills (what a World this could be…) but still, the stupidity on it has reached ridiculous levels. Is your home about to be attacked by a swarm of your enemies? Why not let all your best fighters head out on a pointless road trip! Got a pregnant woman that everyone is apparently so fucking in love with that they’re all prepared to die for her? I’ve got a great idea, let’s allow the one doctor we know to head out for supplies (when literally anyone else could go) and get her stupid ass killed. Oh boy, I sure hope that the pregnant lady doesn’t get sick anytime soon and we don’t need to drive into enemy territory in a ridiculously dangerous attempt to find her some medical help…(idiots).

7. The zombies should be more than props

buds (1)

Probably one of the my favourite moments of the past season was that doctor lady (don’t know her name, don’t fucking care) investigating a creepy ass back room of a store and finding the remnants of a brutally murdered child alongside a deeply rotted zombie who had been locked in with it. Like, I don’t want to sound morbid or anything (nah, I do) but thats a story I want to see. Don’t get me wrong, the zombies on the show are actually pretty great and for the most part quite inventive but there should be more of them and more information about them.

Like, remember how Six Feet Under used to start every episode with a death-of-the-week which would lead in to the funeral (or sometimes, main) storyline? The Walking Dead should do that, but with zombies. Give us some story! Seeing how and when a person gets turned into a zombie is way more interesting than seeing a bunch of idiots running past them on their way to a battle with a gang of living humans.

8. The actors only seem to be allowed to show three different expressions

Scowling anger, Scared and I’ve-Just-Had-SexRange. 

9. The show teases but never puts out

I don’t think I’m speaking out of turn when I say that it definitely feels as though every season (and half season) is built specifically around the premise of a cliffhanger finale. And you know what? Those cliffhangers fail to deliver time and time again. It’s all foreplay and no money shot. All lap dance and no touching. All bite-size samples and no meal. Just how many times have they almost, possibly killed off Glen but like, hahahahahahahahaha, not really guys! Bet you didn’t see that one coming! He’s probably going to live forever. What  a shitty thing to do to an audience who have actually bothered to invest time in your piece of shit story line. It’s cheap and it’s lazy. So get fucked, Walking Dead. I’m done.

Class dismissed (except for you Jeffrey Dean Morgan, you can come see me in my office after class).

JDM 2 (1)


 

Screen Shot 2015-08-22 at 14.58.37Amy Roberts (a.k.a Alabama Roxanne) is a writer, blogger and musician based in Liverpool, UK. She’s published internationally, in print and online, and has had work published with Bustle, Kinkly, The Independent Online, Hello Giggles and Queen Of The Track. She was featured on a panel of David Lynch experts at a Northern Film & Media event in early 2015, and is the bassist for crust-punk band Aüralskit. Her blog ‘I Never Knew You Were Such A Monster‘, fiction and non-fiction about the horrors of everyday life, was shortlisted in the Blog North Awards two years running. She’s interested in illustration, photography, go-go dancing and Timothy Olyphant. She is vehemently, batshit insanely, Team Catalano.

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