In the least likely Public Service Announcement of all time, I’m here to give you all the good news (not Jesus or Tom Cruise related). I wrote a book about Adele! That’s right, the singer whose music video I slagged off many months ago. Adele doesn’t know who I am, but if she did, I’m sure she’d be super pleased that I’m her biographer. The book’s more guide book than biography, answering extremely important questions like “Who is Adele’s super fit bodyguard?” and “Is Adele a feminist?” I mean, your guess is as good as mine, buddy! But if you have any type of itchy or burning sensation nipping at your nether regions, you should probably buy my book. Plus, it’s only like £3.44 on Kindle, so you could buy a coffee instead (I would), but that’s so fucking cheap, just 1-Click, yeah?
The great thing about Adele: The Other Side is you don’t even have to like Adele to read it. One of the most fun things about writing the book, was pointing out every time the singer has ever contradicted herself. Finding those gems made writing a book about Adele all the more bearable. Does that make me a horrible person? Yes, it does. But the bohemian, carefree days of Adele’s early career are long gone, and have been replaced with an astute business sense. The “Hello” singer knows how to make bank, and that’s a skill I admire greatly. Here are 7 reasons you /could/ buy my book about Adele if you were fucked.
1. Adele Is Amazing!
Look, I hate her as much as the next person, but that doesn’t mean I can’t take a second to appreciate her business acumen, dedication to music, and control of her public persona. Adele has a particular set of skills, and knows how to write hit records. Kudos.
2. Celebrities Are Full Of Bullshit
There’s nothing more satisfying than hearing famous people wildly contradict themselves. Sure, it’s totally fine to change your mind. But when celebs wilfully ignore statements they’ve made in the past, I think it’s worth questioning why. Adele, for instance, was discovered on Myspace. Without the internet, she wouldn’t have a career (she probably would, but hear me out). Early on she’s quoted as saying that online is the future, as it’s where everyone listens to music. In 2015, however, Adele gave several interviews explaining why album 25 wasn’t available on Spotify. She said she didn’t believe in streaming, that it wasn’t how she listened to music, and she didn’t think it would last. Celebs are full of bullshit, and it’s fun to point that out.
3. There’s A Whole Chapter On Tristan Wilds
I had to spice the book up somehow, right? And Tristan Wilds, who features in the “Hello” video and 90210, is fit, so it makes sense.
4. Adele May Be Body Positive, But She Thin-Shames Constantly
As a person renowned for having unending belief in herself, and the ability to quash all haters, Adele sure does thin-shame other celebrities, even being so brazen as to list female celebs she thinks are too thin. Not cool, Adele. Let’s take the rose-tinted glasses off for a second, guys.
5. Eyewear Books Are Awesome
If you buy my book, you’re supporting Eyewear who publish fuckloads of amazing poetry. They’re good eggs, and have a lush catalogue. Check it!
6. I Want To Write Books About People I Like One Day
If Adele: The Other Side sells OK, then maybe I’ll get to write books about some people I don’t hate? Just a thought.
7. Adele Is Often A Hot Topic Of Conversation
If you want 20,000 words about Adele that you can impress your friends with, you’ve come to the right place! Maybe I’ve convinced you to now waste your life by reading my book, Adele: The Other Side is available on Amazon Kindle UK, Amazon Kindle US, Eyewear Books (Print), Foyles (Print), Book Depository.
Images: Giphy (7)
Amy Mackelden is an Entertainment Writer at Bustle, and has written for heat magazine, New Statesman online, Kinkly, The Independent online, xoJane and Hello Giggles. Her first book, Adele: The Other Side, a guidebook about the “Hello” singer, is out now from Eyewear.
She co-founded poetry magazine Butcher’s Dog, and Clarissa Explains Fuck All. She’s developing a theatre show, MS Is My Boyfriend, about life with multiple sclerosis, and a collection of prose poetry called TV Is My True Love.