Monotonous Crawling & Heavy Breathing: A Review Of ‘The Revenant’

New Clarissa writer Noah McAllister went to see The Revenant, and has some words of wisdom for Leonardo DiCaprio, who might well win an Oscar for his performance in it, but fucking why?! (SPOILERS!)

Yesterday, I went to the cinema to see the most overhyped piece of shit movie that, for the most part, I was struggling to stay awake for. The most riveting part of the film was when a man employed by the cinema came in and took a mystery object off of someone else in the screening. The Revenant, the film Leo DiCaprio has been favourited to win his first ever Oscar for, is the dullest, most mindless pile of wank I think I might have ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, I have seen worse movies, and from a cinematographic perspective it was stunning, but the plot was dryer than a nun’s cunt and *spoiler alert* nothing fucking happened.

I just sat through what felt like a year of my life watching Leo crawling through snow, occasionally bumping into mates and teaming up with them, only for their characters to never be explained, or for them to die before any character development happened. Nothing made any fucking sense and it was just a complete mind-fuck, to be honest. For example, at one point, when Leo’s horse friend died, DiCaprio felt the need to honour his horse’s death by removing its innards, getting completely naked, and climbing inside it, to really send the horsey pal off, in the most respectable way possible. Fair play, bruv.


The fact DiCaprio won Best Actor in a Drama at the 2016 Golden Globes must have been an insult to the other nominees, as it was clear from the film that he barely fucking acted in it. I really feel for Fassbender and Cranston, as I’m sure they had to learn more than like five pages of lines, make obscene gurgling noises, and breathe heavy as is humanly possible.

An important question: is the film time lapsed? Because Leo recovers from injury, but it forever stays winter. Is this Narnia? Where even are they? It basically makes no sense whatsoever.


The film as a whole would have been 100 times better had they cut down the monotonous crawling to about ten minutes, and spent the rest of the movie actually developing characters and plot. It defs seemed like Tom Hardy did more acting than Leo did. It’s also worth noting the incredible sexual tension between Tom Hardy and Will Poulter, especially as Hardy’s manipulative ways had me completed captivated. If only they’d hooked up.

Other than that, I spent most of the film trying to work out what exactly the cinema employee confiscated off of the movie watcher, and considering whether I could actually justify buying Yeezys (it’s an investment for the future, right?). I was completely disinterested The Revenant, and Leo’s constant groaning, especially when he appeared to recover so speedily, mainly so the film could end with him fighting “one last fight”. Sure, Leo, sure.


One of the best scenes was when Leo met one of his many homies along the road, and they proceeded to catch snowflakes on their tongues. Not for any reason, or because it made sense to do that, but it was mildly amusing, at least. Overall, The Revenant was just so overhyped, and turned out to be such a fucking disappointment. I’m convinced, like 100%, that I would much rather sit and watch Shia LaBeouf’s “JUST DO IT” video for 24 hours straight than sit through Leo’s Oscar pitch one more time.

noahNoah McAllister, the self proclaimed New Age Morrissey, is currently saving up for all things Yeezy. He’s a part-time singer, part-time writer, and full time cunt, who’d sell his body to meet Kanye. You can find him as dead-p0ett on Tumblr.


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