*SPOILERS!!!!!* If you haven’t seen Star Wars: Episode VII — The Force Awakens yet, I don’t blame you. When a movie is surrounded by as much hype as this one is, it puts me off too. Especially when it’s directed by J.J. Abrams. I know, I know, the man created Felicity and Alias for which I will always be grateful, but in terms of cinematic output, Abrams is not my friend. It’s fine for us to disagree on this. Before you start telling me what an amazing feminist Abrams is, changing the face of film for the better, just stop. This is not a takedown: Abrams has created enough decent content starring some of my favorite people (Joshua Jackson! Jennifer Garner!) so he gets a free pass. But that doesn’t mean I have to like his movies.
The Force Awakens isn’t terrible. The plot’s a little thin in places, and it’s predictable as fuck, but it’s not the worst thing I’ve watched. But what’s most noticeable about The Force Awakens is the casting. Lots of people are writing about the fact that the movie’s leads are challenging diversity for the better. But what’s even more important is the fact that Star Wars: Episode VII — The Force Awakens is filled with some prime dick, and it’s time to catalogue it!
1. John Boyega
My new favorite crush, John Boyega absolutely KILLS it in The Force Awakens (insert joke about how good he is with a lightsaber here). I am so thankful to J.J. Abrams for casting John Boyega in a lead role, and catapulting this little known actor to well-deserved Hollywood stardom. I’m excited for whatever he does next, especially as Boyega is hilarious as fuck.
2. Harrison Ford
It’s no secret that I have a penchant for old guys, and Harrison Ford is the Holy Grail (heh). Not only is Ford superb as Han Solo, he seems to relish the fact that he’s given a huge chunk of screen time. I’m going to go ahead and ignore the fact that he told the Radio Times that his return to the franchise was “just another day in the office.” I’ve never had a day in the office that’s netted me $23 million, so good on you son. Also, HARRISON FORD IS PRIME DICK. But that goes without saying, doesn’t it?
3. Adam Driver
Casting Adam Driver as a bad guy was not only smart casting, but the perfect understanding of how a woman’s mind works. He’s a total mess in Girls, and his needy, all-over-the-place emotional vulnerability makes his turn as Kylo Ren, Han Solo and General Leia’s evil son, completely perfect. Plus, check out his long locks when he takes his helmet off. Now take it all off!!!! (#sorrynotsorry)
4. Domhnall Gleeson
Where once it was assumed that Gleeson was the natural successor to Hugh Grant’s bumbling British man throne, he quashes any such stereotyping in The Force Awakens. As Nazi-esque leader General Hux, Domhnall Gleeson proves he’s many-faceted. Plus, the power and control his character exerts makes him sexy as fuck.
5. Oscar Isaac
While movie 10 Years might not be the best work of all time, it features some of the sweetest moments of, like, all time. Oscar Isaac is in most of them, and I dare you to watch his performance of original song “Never Had” and not develop a major lady boner. In Star Wars, Isaac plays cool-as-fuck Poe Dameron, who is also boner-worthy. He’s basically the new Han Solo, and I 100% would.
6. Mark Hamill
While Hamill might only appear in The Force Awakens for the briefest moment, it’s a pretty spectacular scene. His place on the list is every bit deserved, and we’re sure to see a lot more of him in the sequels.
7. Max von Sydow
Remember what I said about old guys? Well, the man who played the brooding professor Frederick in Hannah And Her Sisters, and Father Lankester Merrin in The Exorcist, automatically gets a place on the list, no questions asked!
BONUS ROUND: Chewbacca, C-3PO, & Supreme Leader Snoke
Whatever floats your boat, ducky!
Images: Giphy (9)
Amy Mackelden (a.k.a. July 2061) is a writer based on the Isle of Wight. Her writing has featured in places such as heat magazine, New Statesman online, Kinkly, Witty Bitches, xoJane and Hello Giggles. She won a Northern Promise Award from New Writing North in 2011 and a New Buds Award from New Writing South in 2015. She’s one of the co-founders of poetry magazine Butcher’s Dog, and has made two spoken word/theatre shows, The 8 Fatal Mistakes of Online Dating (& How To Avoid Them), & Retail, which is set in a closed-down Blockbuster & about a shared love of Woody Allen. She’s currently working on her next show, “MS is my boyfriend,” about life with multiple sclerosis.