I Saw Taylor Swift in Hyde Park Last Night & It Was Shit

Screen Shot 2015-06-28 at 15.07.25 I realise the following statement does not denote smartness: I paid £65 to see Taylor Swift in Hyde Park last night. I went with my BFF (more on best friends later) and we had an awesome day laughing at Ellie Goulding’s dad dancing and drinking Starbucks. It was lush to see her. Taylor didn’t ruin it, exactly, because obviously I had wanted to see her. The biggest pop star in the world, right? But she didn’t really add much to the day either, which would’ve been just as great had me and Lily stayed home and ordered take out. Sorry Tay Tay.

First off, it was impossible to see anything. I realise I could’ve camped overnight to get to the barriers but logistically that’s out of the question. I’m a cripple and I like simple pleasures like access to toilets and cups of god damn coffee. The stage was impossibly low, like lower than a regular festival stage: we hijacked our way through to just in front of the sound desk, by stepping over sitting people’s faces and treading on flip flopped feet and plastic beer bottles, and could still see nothing. Like TOTAL nothing. Maybe the top of one of the huge screens. Everyone’s heads. No Taylor in the distance. Just a mass of people. The fact that to see anything at this shit you have to pay extra for Priority tickets or be Emma fucking Watson and get invited into the secret treetop platform (which blocked all the views fyi, so thanks yeah) fucks me right off.

That’s not the only beef. Between every single song, Taylor gave a testimony. To her, this is church. Or a therapy session. Or her chance to relay all the amazing advice she’s garnered from being super rich and nice and having proper famous friends (we’ll come back to the friends later) and from dating douchebag boy band members who didn’t text her back for four hours at a time even though they were holding their phones at the time. I don’t mind a bit of chat, but these speeches lasted five minutes each between EVERY song and were for the most part absolute bullshit. I like music at my gigs. I shouldn’t compare her to Katy Perry because of all their *ahem* Bad Blood, but Katy would’ve fucking got on with it. And her pyrotechnics would’ve been better than a piece of plastic shit on everyone’s wrist that lit up intermittently (Maybe I missed the point of those bracelets by leaving early? It was about as glamorous as an ankle monitor). She blates took style tips from KP with her lightbulb dress too. You might sell more records Tay Tay but Perry’s the slicker performer, always innovative with a DayGlo outfit.

It wasn’t enough to regale us with her advice (some of which I’ll list at the end), or hilarious tales (I stopped listening and started shouting “Fucking sing!” so I can’t relay many of the actual speeches now sorry) in between speeches she had to play lovely video interviews on the big screen of her bestest friends in the world telling us about why Taylor is the most amazing person of all time or how her album 1989 blew them away when they heard it in a private listening session in her kitchen. There was also a segment about cats (I know I know Taylor likes cats I get it but fuck off already). If you’ve been following our vehement upset of Tay Tay’s lifestyle lately you’ll know that she has a zillion best friends. Like seriously. It’s so Mean Girls without a sense of irony, it’s upsetting. Lena Dunham, Selena Gomez, Haim, Jaime King, Karlie Kloss, I’m sorry but I’ve got some news for you: Taylor may have told you you’re her BFF, forever love, only one, but she says that to everyone. You been played, bitches. (I feel super bad for Abigail 😥 )

Showing us these relentless videos (when I left, they were screening the third BFF VT, who knows how many more there were?), was not the only way to inflict pain on us. To ensure we knew that their lives were all better than ours in every possible way, Tay staged a fashion show on her own catwalk to her song Style, bringing out model after model for our perusal. Because, y’know, all her friends are super thin and beautiful and rich and successful and they all hang out and have sleepovers and live infinitely better lives than any of us ever will. Kendall Jenner was the only saving grace in this whole segment and that’s only because I want to be a Kardashian (it’s a personal life choice, yo! Plus, Kendall is basics the worst Kard behind Rob but I’ll take it). Tay Tay even brought out Serena Williams to walk the catwalk. I don’t know why? To demonstrate that she knows everybody? It was an embarrassing parade of better-than-you, and if I wasn’t already dead, I’d have died inside a little bit.

As for the singing, an extensive backing track took care of most of it. The highlight: a super-cringe-worthy RAWK cover of We Are Never Getting Back Together. JUST STOP. PLEASE. NOW. Other highlights included a blanket of Taylor’s face you could buy for £30. Sausage and chips was £7.50. I always loved Taylor. Loved. Past tense. I had an amazing day thanks to my BFF who is so much better than all of Taylor’s fifty million friends, and always will be. Love you, Lil! Taylor, you suck!

Things that Taylor Swift said during her Hyde Park lecture series:

1). She was sorry any boy had ever hurt us by not texting us back. She wished she could take away the pain we’d experienced, so that no-one ever had a bad relationship. Which is the worst advice ever, right? I don’t want Taylor sucking my experiences from my body like they’re unwanted thetans! I want to keep and own every shitty thing I’ve ever done. THANK YOU!

2). How lucky she was to have so many amazing friends that she totally loves. Great. And we’re all losers are we, ya cunt?

3). That even the worst thing an online bully could say wasn’t nearly as bad as the damage we’d do to ourselves. I mean…someone on reddit once said they felt sorry for anyone dating me because I was such an overt feminist. Fuck the haters! Chill out, Tay.

4). She was taking mental snapshots of you, you, you, you, you and you. Well you all bought tickets. I could hear a cash register sound every time she clocked another person.

5). When she wrote 1989 she was living alone in NY thinking she’d never fall in love. Living alone in NY. That lucky fucking bitch should stop moping. That’s my dream right there!

6). There was more but I zoned out. It was probs just about cats or how blessed she was or how amazing her famous friends are. Bunch of show-off sycophants. And more videos of them telling the most boring stories about Taylor of all time. Or more praise-like testimonies from Taylor about how joyous the world is. Fuck off forever, Hyde Park. BRING ON THE HATE MAIL!

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27 thoughts on “I Saw Taylor Swift in Hyde Park Last Night & It Was Shit

  1. I think a lot of this is a reaction to the poor view side of things. I saw her at BBC Radio One Festival, and maybe it’s because I’m not a big TS fan, or because I didn’t pay for the tickets, but I enjoyed her performance and I like it when acts show a bit of personality and talk to the audience than just churn out tracks. I assume that fans would enjoy seeing the videos and things because it makes them feel a part of her life, rather than resent her for it. Each to their own I guess. It just comes across quite a bitter post, so I hope the humour here means you’re exaggerating your feelings on this, though I know that when you’re disappointed by something that anger can take over.

  2. I agree about Hyde Park being an awful setup for a concert for 65k. But my god you have so much hate for this concert it’s laughable.

  3. Haha, entertaining read & impressive derision. But then you paid to see Taylor Swift and complained that it was emotionally shallow, packed out, over-priced, tacky, celebrity oriented, etc. That’s kinda like buying a Robert Glasper ticket and complaining about the excellent musicianship and nice feels.

  4. Another reason I hate Taylor Swift is because she ruined by trip home. Marble Arch was rampant with children standing around in shorts looking red and pleased with themselves.

  5. What’s worse is when you realise every single speech is identical every single night and she is absolutely soulless.

  6. You just sound like a whinging cripple cunt.

    Coming from a guy in the industry,
    The stage height – not her fault.
    The view you had – not her fault.
    The price of food – not her fault.
    The price of merch – not her fault.
    The fact that you had a bad time – Your fault.
    What did you expect going to a concert in Hyde Park! Especially with a “disability”
    If you are a cunt, which you claim you are, then the fact that you had a bad time is your fault, is it not?
    “Hate is your jam” so how can you enjoy anything with an attitude like that?
    Bit of advice perhaps try being a decent human being, that might fix this whole mess up.

    • Bit harsh steve smith. I thought this was a great post. I take it you’re a huge Taylor fan and probably cried a lot whilst writing this. Chin up tiger, Taylor will never read it

  7. I was at the gig and while I love Taylor Swift, I agree the gratuitousness of it was totally over the top. I can only imagine what my friends would say to me if I told them I was going to film them talking about how amazing I am and show it to 65,000 people. Having said that, my friends are not models with fame agendas of their own. I guess what we have to consider though, is that we are grown women, not teenage girls. If I was 15 I probably would have loved all of the drivel about all of us being her friend, and remembering us forever in her mind snapshots and about boys not calling back. Maybe she says it for them, maybe she says it because she’s emotionally, immature. Who knows? She probably has so many PR her what to say and she’s so marketable that she has no reason not to go along with it and benefit from it. Musically the show was fun and I had an awesome time, but yeah, a little less of the talking next time

  8. “Taylor may have told you you’re her BFF, forever love, only one, but she says that to everyone.”

    Spot on! Quality over quantity. She’s business savvy so she knows the importance of connections. It’s part of her PR campaign obviously.

  9. You should’ve gone to see The Strokes. I paid for a regular ticket, and while Beck was on, my friends and I meandered into the VIP area without any queuing or security checks. It was really laid back at this point.
    We situated ourselves in the middle, just in front of the secret platform tree Emma Watson is seen in in one of your pictures. We had a laugh, some beers (extortionately priced, but as is always the way at festivals/outdoor events), and watched Beck in a state of mild interest.

    When The Strokes came on, the place was jam packed, and everyone erupted. They opened with quite a mellow song (Im assuming, by your choice to see Taylor Swift rather than this band, you are not a fan, so I won’t bore you with song names) so while everyone went nuts, it wasn’t until the second song that the whole crowd surged forward.
    About six songs later, my friends and I had half forced and half been carried right through the mosh pit, to the barrier.

    It was a sweat drenched, tightly squeezed sea of people, all moving as one, all singing along to our favourites, of which the set list consisted about 99.9%. The view was amazing, they were as close as they could be at a big event like this.
    I had my feet stamped on, got elbowed in the face, had beer and water and wine spilled over me, the intense heat made my hair frizz up like mad, and my make up melted off, but it was everything I wanted it to be and more.

    My advice to you is this: invest in some real bands. Pop stars like Taylor Swift are not real. They are simply puppets used by money-grabbing record companies. Swift most likely has a team of songwriters churning out hits for her to sing. In fifteen years she will be forgotten, and her album will be at the bottom of bargain bins in petrol stations here and there.

    In stark contrast to this, The Strokes were massive in the early 00s. It has been fifteen years, and they are still incredibly popular. Even though they have had their ups and downs, their songs have stood the test of time and are as relevant now as they were then.

    Real bands care. Real bands put on a show, and though not every gig may be as awesome as another, they are all different to some degree, and you feel that these are real people, with real feelings. It adds to the excitement, and you feel privileged to see this band having fun and sharing their music with you, rather than know that somewhere a record company is counting the $$$s. You know that when they’re good, they’re fucking amazing.

    Puppets like Taylor Swift do not know how to be amazing. She does what she is told, and will never do anything differently. She’s a vapid little creature, surrounded by yes men and an entourage of equally vapid friends. When she tries to stop doing what she’s told, she will be discredited by the papers, dropped by the record company, and they’ll trot out a younger model.

    Do yourself a favour. Don’t pay to see drivel like Taylor Swift. Invest in real bands.

  10. I find it strange that you never realised Taylor Swift is shite before you went to see her.I mean FFS just how bad is your musical taste ? Most sensible people put her in the same catagory as Union J.

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  12. I was at Taylor’s Hyde Park show with my BB/BS Little Sis, and I agree with just about everything you said. The endless stories between every song, that had me wanting to yell, “Shut up and sing,” and the strange videos of other successful women pledging their love and support to TS. Terribly odd and awkward. This was our 4th TS show since 2010, and my least favorite by far. I’m done. No more TS shows for me. Her prior tour productions were quite enjoyable. And here’s the kicker: She didn’t write the 1989 songs the way she did her earlier albums. She hired the guy who wrote song hooks for people like Britney Spears. And it shows. I enjoyed her prior albums that she actually wrote herself, and those concerts. When my peers would make fun of her, I had no problem telling them that I like her and respect her talent. Today that applies only to the past. At Hyde Park, there was nothing from the earlier (good) albums, except for Love Story, and she even remixed that one so it sounded like crap, imo.

    I found your post when looking for info on the ‘1989’ tour book, trying to determine if it would be a good Christmas gift for my LS. Wish I’d seen your post back when you wrote it. Good job at writing this one like you saw it.

    • Thanks so much for your comment Diana! It’s so nice to hear from someone who felt the same way – and preferred her country albums! It’s such a shame because I was honestly a huge Taylor fan before this, not just the hater everyone’s suggested 😉 you’re so lucky you got to see her in other tours! All best xx

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