Since the movie set a premiere date, trailers for Fifty Shades of Grey have been hyping the film’s Valentine’s Day release. While die-hard fans are getting their Winter thermals soaked at the smallest glimpse of a steamy scene, not all viewers are quite so excited with the film’s enthusiastic ad campaigns. As the 14th draws nearer, FSOG ads seem to be infiltrating everything from television commercials to YouTube ads, even inspiring recent prints for Dominos Pizza according to Entertainment Weekly.
When views of the film’s trailer were at their peak back in November, Screen Crush writer Britt Hayes compared the film’s early ads directed towards Valentine’s Day as being in the same vein of stores putting out Christmas decorations too early. Which is obviously as brain numbingly damaging as hearing Mariah Carey warble on for the umpteenth time about supplementing Christmas cheer with a good hard screw from her man, but there’s no denying the strength of a marketing message that gets you thinking about a corporate free for all like Valentine’s Day, amirite ladies?
Not surprisingly, there are quite a few companies cashing in with tie-in products. Whilst some might be just the right level of enticing to unleash your very own Mr Grey from his spank bank, others are…well…they speak for themselves.
It was only a matter of time before another product came out that plays off the fact that there’s a color in the title, and OPI has taken the easily-grabbed bait and run with it. The nail products company announced the creation of their Fifty Shades of Grey line last year, which includes 5 hues (just 45 short, then) of gray-ish tones and one deep red color.
At under $10 a pop, they’re actually pretty affordable, and seem to be of at least decent quality, and who doesn’t equate hardcore BDSM with some pristine nail paint? Personally I like to paint my nails blood red right before walking on a man’s back in platform stilettos: it really seems to set the mood for some good old fashioned pulverising agony. At the time of writing the collection has a 4.6/5 star rating from shoppers on Ulta.
For those of you who need a more everlasting way to pledge your allegiance to the erotica franchise, several companies have introduced bracelet charms that represent some of the prominent themes throughout the novels. Common pieces include the Eiffel Tower, neckties, blindfolds, and whips.
Bling Jewelry has come out with their own design for a bracelet. The chain on the “Hot Cuffs Bracelet” is connected by way of two interlocking handcuffs, while an accented key charm hangs from the other side. So, at least if your partner isn’t progressive enough to even leave so much as a love bite on your body as a souvenir of a bit of rough and tumble, you can sleep safe in the knowledge that your jewellery can still suggest to the World that you’re a no holds barred hell banshee in the bedroom. Get it, girl.
Probably the least surprising (but most practical) series of products to come out of the film is the line of adult products made in the novel’s image. With every eccentric toy imaginable used in the book, the list of real products inspired by the novel that became available to fans was, of course, just as extensive.
Adam and Eve even hosts the second trailer on the themed toys’ product page to remind fans just what they could be missing out on. ‘And what’s that?!’ We hear you howling like a Tex Avery wolf. Well, that list of items includes everything from the somewhat-intimidating “Hard Limits Bed Restraint Kit” to the somewhat-hilarious but much appreciated “Soothe Me After Spanking Cream.” Shoppers can also get their hands on “Christian’s Tie,” a necktie made to mirror the iconic one featured on the novel’s front cover (you know, just in case you don’t live near a train station with a ‘Tie Rack’ in it). There’s even a FSOG candle… because everyone’s chasing that synthetic smell of sex, right?
Gourmet Gift Basket
Yes, even the food industry is getting in on the craze. The Fifty Shades of Grey Gourmet Gift Basket compiles several items that play off of the romance between Ana and Christian, including Hot Tamales candies, chocolate roses, and English breakfast tea. Also, in an admittedly clever addition, they included a bag of red Twizzlers to represent the restraints used in the books.
But it’s not all snacks and candies. There’s also some non-perishable items in the collection to enhance the receiver’s evening, including bubble bath mix, an eye mask, and lip balm. Which, like, is perfect for those of us who currently can’t stand the thought of human contact and just want to be left alone to eat ourselves into a sugary stupor whilst preening ourselves like a slightly-less-psychotic Patrick Bateman. In fact, you can stuff your kinky sex. Just give me that entire bag of Twizzlers and an oversized bottle of red wine – I know how to punish me for pleasure just fine, thanks.
You may have thought that fan fiction was reserved for Trekkies, Ringers, and Whovians‚ Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, and Doctor Who fans, respectively‚ but really there are plenty of active communities online where people can share their own take on stories that don’t include mythical creatures. And over the years, the boards for Fifty Shades of Grey have become especially popular (remember when FSOG started out as being filthy fan fiction for the Twilight franchise before getting millions of dollars thrown at it? Because we definitely do. There’s some memories you simply can’t rinse from your brain with an oversized bottle of red wine).
The good ones are good, but the bad ones are even better. I’m all for supporting a newbie writer, but indulging in bad fan fiction feels as good as binge-watching bad TV. Seriously, some of the stories from FanFiction could easily qualify for Literary Review’s Bad Sex in Fiction Award.
So, here’s hoping this list has you upping your game and rewriting your Valentine’s Day must-have list to whatever cynical patron saint of lovemaking it is that grants you such things. But, let’s be honest, seeing the masturbatory fantasies of FSOG play out from the book (and our own tawdry minds) to the big screen is all the Valentine’s Day present most of us need. Just do us, yourselves and your fellow cinema goers a favour and bring a plastic sheet along to the film screening, eh? Ain’t nobody want to be sitting in the juices of another woman’s Fifty Shades of Spray.