Watching The “Fifty Shades of Grey” Trailer: Depressed If This Is Porn

Love doesn’t have one definition; it’s one of life’s great mysteries. For me, I guess love is what happens in the final episode of a TV show: the cliffhanger after 23 episodes of back-forth-flirtation, at which point everyone’s gagging for it, and the only thing you need more than resolution, is the culmination of all that tension with a kiss, elicit or otherwise. Sure, I have problems, but I reckon most of the world’s population are with me, seeing as Fifty Shades of Grey is the most anticipated film since, like, I don’t know, Titanic? The new Superman film where Batman and Supes finally have the sex?

According to Glamour magazine, there’s been a “SEX TOY BOOM” since the trailer appeared online. Now I’m for anything that encourages people to spend money on vibrators, but isn’t it worth probing (heh) a little deeper into why Fifty Shades allegedly has 17 million of us wet already? Glamour spoke to Lovehoney who have predicted that every person in the UK will spend an average of £2 on sex toys over the next year. I mean, I’ve heard they have vibrators in Poundland now, but I’m telling you, babe, splash out, invest! You’re worth it!

I’ve read the first 60 pages-ish of Fifty Shades. My sister text and said there’s no sex until, like, way later. The most exciting thing that happened in those first few pages was a chance encounter at a hardware store where our dashing hero stocked up on cable ties, rope, and duct tape, which, I’m not going to lie, gave me strong hopes he was of the Patrick Bateman persuasion.

So my knowledge of this franchise is peppered with quotes from friends, film/TV references (hell, everyone in Litchfield is reading it – see above), snippets of production gossip, and the fact that it started life as Twilight fan fiction. The Twilight link is probably the most interesting, from my POV. Even though that franchise is a pretty disgusting anti-women trawl through repression and control, I was totally won over (somehow). I went to more than one midnight screening. And you know what? They were fucking hilarious. Whenever Taylor Lautner took his shirt off, people wolf whistled. When Edward came on screen, there were sighs. Following a kiss early on in New Moon, a lady behind me very audibly noted: “I just felt a twinge”. Imagine if we lived in such a liberated society we all exclaimed and shared each and every special feeling we had. Wow, just wow.

I’m pretty sure Fifty Shades will be no different. That despite the slagging, the constant dissemination, social commentary, eventually, box office is all that’ll matter. And fan service. And those midnight screenings are going to be very special times indeed, filled with wolf whistling, heckling, loud sighs, and camaraderie. Hell, cinema chains should take my suggestion now: just show the whole franchise in screens with D-Boxes in (learn more about these vibrating chairs here) and invest in some wet wipes.

So is the subject matter problematic or empowering? Writer Laura Tansley notes the smart hiring choices the studio has made: “It’s Sam Taylor-Johnson, Kelly Marcel, exciting women in film, but they’ve blown the opportunity to sack the shitty source material and explore something sexy.” Writer and blogger Rachel Charlton-Dailey of Happy Little Syllables says, “Fifty Shades isn’t romantic, it’s emotional abuse shrouding exciting sexual experiences. Because the main character is mysterious and sexy, women overlook the fact that he controls every aspect of her life. It doesn’t represent the BDSM lifestyle, as that is a consensual agreement.” Which sounds very Edward Cullen if you ask me. Mysterious therefore sexy, but in charge of absolutely everything. This fantasy is perhaps the most prevalent lately: how often are women grabbed and kissed against their will in TV shows, only to end up enjoying it? I’m not about to dictate someone else’s fantasy (not that you asked, HERE’S MINE), but have we all been pummelled so hard by patriarchy that the sexiest thing we can imagine is a man forcefully making us do stuff?

Enough talk. Whether you’re for or against, this Fifty Shades of Grey shit is going to take over conversation for the foreseeable future. Which is why we deem it necessary to take the trailer scene by scene. We’re a bit anal like that (heh).

THE TRAILER!

THE END!

I’m sure you all have a zillion very legitimate reactions to this oh-so-short masterpiece, but I’m going to leave you with what my besties have said about it.

Clarissa homegirl Amy Roberts says:

Writer Laura Tansley is well jel of the cardigans on display:

My brother is, like, totally impressed:

And my friend Becca has maybe the best story of all time: “I used my copy of the book to stop the hamster from escaping out the cage and it chewed it up.” 

Let us know what you think of the trailer, or share something seriously sexy instead! xoxo

Screen Shot 2014-06-27 at 19.54.40

NO JUDGEMENT

 

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3 thoughts on “Watching The “Fifty Shades of Grey” Trailer: Depressed If This Is Porn

  1. Oh my god, how have I not read your blog before, you are freakin’ hilarious! I haven’t even read 50 shades properly, I borrowed my friends copy and read the odd pages I accidentally read some awful tampon scene and couldn’t go further. The book and now the movie just piss me off I have friends who now think if you use a blind fold and get tied up you’re into BDSM and I’m just like nope stop right there. The book is basically him emotionally hurting her it’s not really a good example of a dom/sub relationship at all. I feel like a lot of the girls who read it are now in relationships with guys who are just abusing this.
    Anyway I’m going to get into a rant, this is a great post I’m definitely going to follow you!
    Kloe xx
    skullsnkisses.blogspot.co.uk

    • Rant away! Discussion is totally needed, especially now it’s a glistening naked torso trailer for romance. We didn’t get far with the book either, probs for the best if there’s some crazy tampon shit in there?! Loving your blog name btw!

  2. Wow, who wouldn’t want to have sex in a bed with white sheets with a guy with a body like that who seems to own his own business, a plane, and a helicopter. I mean, every homely schoolgirl’s fantasy, yeah? And coming on Valentine’s Day, so marketed as a date movie

    Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk

    Hollywood cracks me up

    So do your blogs

    Love,
    A xxx

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