The Walking Dead: A Guide to Hetero Lovemaking & Great Grooming

The Walking Dead Maggie Sex

*May contain spoilers to people who still give any sort of a shit about this show.

I seriously don’t know what’s happening in the current season of The Walking Dead and I don’t give much of a shit, either. Sure, I’ve watched that first episode of the new season and I’ll probably watch the next one too and carry on watching every episode to follow until I get so angry that I trash my laptop in the process.

Because I’m not really paying attention to the episodes. I didn’t pay attention last season and I’m not paying attention now, and yet I still seem to be up on the day to day housekeeping of the apparent ‘zombie apocalypse’.

I spend 80% of each episode just swearing and groaning at my screen. It’s become an enjoyable, passive aggressive past time of mine. A blood sport of sorts. I have so many questions about this zombie apocalypse and the people that we’re left to focus on – these people who’ve apparently survived – because the most depressing part of the zombie apocalypse is that, from what I can tell, it spares only the dullest of humans, with refined grooming habits, impeccable bodily functions, God in their hearts and good, clean heterosexual urges.

In the zombie apocalypse men are men and women are women. Men fight and hunt. Women clean and read stories to the children. And both genders seem to make grooming their upmost priority. I have so many questions. Please, someone help me.

YUCK

It probably only takes him five hours to look that ‘disheveled’ every day.

Like, seriously, how much time has supposedly passed by now and Daryl still has that same stick on facial hair and Joan Jett mullet? Where the fuck does he find the time to maintain a look like that? And just how does he maintain it? Does he use a knife? Does Carol sit behind him like a mama monkey and lick the dandruff out of his follicles? And what about Carol? Because her hair is IMMACULATE. It’s stayed the same length since day 1 and tidy as fuck.

I mean, just how many mirrors are there in the zombie apocalypse? Because I really want to see a scene in The Walking Dead where a walker is outside the window gnawing on one of the many small children who’ve suddenly appeared on the show whilst Rick, Carol, Daryl, Glenn and Maggie fight over mirror space whilst they trim beards, shape hair styles, and exfoliate the best goddamn skin currently on television. For comparison, check out ANYONE on Sons of Anarchy this season. Those men and women are living in a World with actual hairdressers and everyday commodities at their full disposal and everyone looks like a sack of shit (except for Gemma. Who is a she-devil Goddess).

Otto-Tongue-Sons-of-Anarchy

Honestly, this shit drives me insane. I watch it in full HD and I want to see warts and all dystopia, not good-girl Beth with her pure, porcelain skin and healthy, bouncy blonde luscious locks that she presumably combs 100 times before bed whilst eye-fucking Daryl from across the prison (because you just know that’s where that storyline is heading. Christ). Give me grime and split ends. Give me men and women either with long, grubby hair or bald, scabby heads that have had hair shunted at the roots by the blade of a knife.

Presumably ladies be lady-shaving it every day, too. Not a furry pit or leg in sight. Astonishing.

And just why the fuck is everyone pairing up all of a sudden? I get that men and women have needs, but where are all the guy on guy and girl on girl love affairs at? Because, honestly, if the World was ending I sure as fuck wouldn’t be looking to procreate. The idea of getting a deep dicking off some (well groomed) guy is about as much of a turn on as Carol’s cutesy ‘Pookie’ moment to Daryl (barf) was. There is no way in hell I would be letting a reckless sperm squirter near my fertile uterus. I would be pussy power all the way. Scissoring it to the end of days. That is, if there was even ONE woman on The Walking Dead who had a personality further than I love God/ I love my man/ I love cleaning/ I make babies.

walking dead 415

Michonne could have been a contender but I get the horrible feeling that her and Rick are going to be bumping uglies at some point soon. I hope she cuts his head off post-coitus and wears it like a crown – face dismembered at the jawline so just his top teeth rest on her bonnet – and becomes Queen of Fucking Everything.

A la Tank Girl.

A la Tank Girl.

Which brings me to my next point. Bras. Seriously, sisters, why are you fucking bothering? The first thing I’m going to do in a zombie apocalypse is put every single stupid fucking piece of underwired, overpriced tit supporters into retirement and just strap these puppies down like Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare in Love. Hell, even Miley Cyrus is going bra free these days and her only apocalypse is the one in which every person on the planet has an opinion on her sexuality and how she should use it. Release the hounds, ladies. Let those doves free from their cages and live a little.

There’s also, ridiculously, lots of absolutely fucking stupid baby talk between Maggie and Glenn in the last episode. Glenn gazed gormless with a puppy dog delight at some advert for Baby photography (fuck off!!!) in an abandoned supermarket, dreaming of the normal life he could have had with possibly-pregnant-Maggie if zombies hadn’t have come and ruined their heterosexual daydream. Glenn could have been stuck on a hellish night shift in a factory somewhere by now, y’all, bringing home the bacon for his nursing wife, and taking overtime at every spare opportunity to try and pay off the mortgage before redundancy comes. DREAMY.

I mean, what the fuck. They’re getting married and everything. I can’t wait for the wedding episode. I’m going to buy a pea shooter especially for that piece of shit and gleefully ruin my TV screen in the process. I hope everyone dies.

But yeah, so anyway, Maggie announces that, sorry bro, she aint pregnant. And everyone relaxes. But how does she know she isn’t preggo? That’s right, menstruation.

BCDB Image

I have SO many questions about menstruation and The Walking Dead. For starters, how the fuck don’t these women have more blood stains on their jeans? Because I, for one, find it nearly impossible to perfectly predict the EXACT moment my period is coming each month. Accidents happen. Stains appear. Sometimes not even bleach can eradicate that kind of stain. And do zombies get more riled up when a woman is on her period? Surely so. Those deadites love nothing better than a raw steak and here’s some walking around in their own ready made sauce (euw. I’m so sorry). How is this never addressed? Why won’t anybody on The Walking Dead reply to any of my letters?

I mean, for a show that pretends to love gore, it sure as hell shies away from the most natural of all gore.

It’s like, by the point which they’re at now on The Walking Dead, I’d presume that feminine hygiene supplies are limited. Unless these women have miraculously stumbled upon a stock of moon cups in a Walmart somewhere (doubtful. Why would Walmart want to advocate the sale of something that loses them $5 worth of essential cash flow off every aunt flow sufferer each month?), they’re surely down to their final tampons by now.

SANITARY BELT

So what in the fuck are they using? Are they going back to the old school and simply safety pinning rags to their gussets each month? Rags that, presumably, Carol spends most of her time scrubbing clean for each woman. Or maybe they’re going even more old school and simply banishing every Crimson Tide to squat in the bathroom for five days every month, collecting the drip into a basin that people are using to scrub their faces with in order to keep skin ‘tight as a drum’ a la Kathy Bates in American Horror Story.

kathy-bates-american-horror-story-coven-still-blood

And if they are still using tampons and sanitary towels then fuck help us all, cos that is one pile of stinking, festering waste that isn’t going anywhere any time soon.

These are the things I think about whilst watching The Walking Dead. Not ‘Oh my god, how is the gang going to get out of this stupid zombie altercation this time?’ or ‘Eep! I really hope those two lovebirds work it out and hook it the fuck up some time soon!’, its ‘what method of contraception is everybody using?’ and ‘how does a heterosexual man manage to stay so goddamn styled?’.

There’s no horror left in this show. Not the horror they intend anyway. The only part in the last episode that truly made me squirm (all pookie references and horrific hook ups aside) was that moment where that stupid twat ruined an ENTIRE shelf of booze by staring at a wine bottle for way too long. How was that booze shelf not the first port of call for everyone? I’d be looking to get LOADED during the zombie apocalypse. Jim Lahey drunk, motherfuckers. Bleeding everywhere, my scalp bald and scabby, my tits tied down like an Egyptian mummy with my lesbian lover by my side, tearing through zombies on a lawn mower.

Because that’s the only vision of a zombie apocalypse that I give a shit about. Sort your shit out, Walking Dead.

Riding out the zombie apocalypse in the manner of Jim Lahey.

Riding out the zombie apocalypse in the manner of Jim Lahey.

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One thought on “The Walking Dead: A Guide to Hetero Lovemaking & Great Grooming

  1. Pingback: The Walking Dead Has Gone and Completely Shit the Bed This Time | Clarissa Explains Fuck All

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