Fuck You, Dexter Morgan (A Dexter Finale Recap)

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*Warning! Contains  Dexter spoilers (not that it fucking matters in the slightest) and a minor Breaking Bad spoiler* 

Me and my partner barely see each other during the week. As I finish work, he starts work. When he finishes work, I’m usually passed out in a pool of my own dribble with the sort of decadently deformed expression on my face that supermodels could only dream of perfecting.

On Monday nights, however, I rebel against the working week. Yes, girls and boys, I’m such a fucking rockafella that I stay up way past my bedtime to hang out with my boy and catch up on the final seasons of two of ‘our shows’. It never feels right to watch them without him, and so it is that I struggle through, staying awake for a full 20 hours and allowing myself only 4 to follow before I have to get right back up again for work. Magical.

I’m happy to do it for the masterpiece that is Breaking Bad. The complete agony of sleep deprivation and being so tired that I can’t figure out which leg goes into which hole of my knickers in the morning because I’m just that exhausted is so absolutely worth it for every single second of that show. There isn’t a single word, gesture, shot, wardrobe choice or location that’s wasted in Breaking Bad. You don’t want to drift off with a show like that. In fact, I barely even blink.

Dexter on the other hand? Honestly, I’ve been sleeping through Dexter. My boyfriend wakes me up only for the most important scenes or most ridiculous plot turns. In all likelihood I’ve probably missed about 70% of the final season, and yet I feel pretty confident that I’ve actually not missed a single fucking thing.

In fact, I’ve probably been sleeping through Dexter ever since Lumen made an appearance. It was then that I first uttered a phrase I’d be doomed to repeat for many seasons to come:  ‘HE’S MEANT TO BE INCAPABLE OF LOVING ANYONE! HE’S A FUCKING PYSCHOPATH!!’ at my screen and it’s all been one big turd covered up by an even bigger turd since then. Christ, probably even before then but I’m finding it so hard to reconcile the show that Dexter used to be with the show that Dexter has been in the final few seasons that who the fuck knows.

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So, what have I been awake for this season? Well, Masuka’s daughter turned up and she got her tits out (if ever a ludicrous character screamed ‘I slept with and blackmailed a producer on the show in order for this role to be written specifically for me’, it was Masuka’s daughter), a smart-price Ryan Gosling was a really shit and really obvious killer that nobody suspected until they saw a photo of him as a psycho child…vlcsnap-2013-08-27-15h45m32s95

Dexter’s son is a fucking idiot (and a terrible actor. Yeesh) and Deborah Morgan’s password is fucking password (hahahaha you guys!! Because she swears all the time!! Get it? Because that’s like, her thing ; she’s girl – A GIRL! – with a real bad case of potty mouth! I know, right? GOLD) and erm, I don’t know. I guess Dexter’s ‘dark passenger’ or whatever just really want to go on a little dick dipping vacation this season rather than killing many people. Well played, Dark Passenger. Good game. Get that dick wet.

And last, but not least, there was Hannah Mckay. Let’s be happy about the fact that she still isn’t strutting about in that same old hot pants and vest combo that she spent all of season 7 in. But at the same time let’s also be royally pissed off at the very idea that a most wanted criminal could hide out in a cops house and regularly leave the house without so much as even dyeing or cutting her hair. There’s not even a single fake moustache consideration! Un-fucking-believable.

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I know that more stuff happened, but I just don’t care. It was honestly one of the worst things – and this includes movies, am-dram productions of Death Of A Salesman, reality tv, infomercials and that video of David Hasslehoff where his daughter filmed him drunkenly eating a burger off a floor – that I’ve ever seen. In my life.

The entirety of Season 8 has been sloppy and lazy and just going through the motions like a wife delicately placing her husbands limp dick inside her every night and calling it fucking. Every episode has felt consumed with a suicidal emptiness. Every line and character and dumb plot twist conceived as though it were pulled out of a hat at 5am the night before they were due to start filming.

There were literally hundreds of directions that this piece of shit show could have gone in, and the only one that truly made any sort of tangeable sense was that Dexter Morgan would in some way get caught, be forced to realistically face the consequences of his actions and that we’d suffer along with him as everyone he’d managed to dupe over the years realised what a psychotic little bitch they’d been in contact with the entire time.

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Another better alternate ending

But they didn’t even go near that idea. Not even close. Instead, Deb died (yawn) and then Hannah Mckay killed or drugged someone (I don’t know) and flew away with treadmill-scientist Dexter Jnr whilst Dexter Snr, consumed with the sort of half arsed grief that an occasional vegetarian might have the morning after eating a kebab, kind of kills his sister and then fakes his own death to become a lumberjack, wear a lot of plaid and grow a beard.

That’s it, people. There was nothing else. Dexter became a hipster.

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To make it more exciting, let’s imagine that at the very least Harrison later dies after confusing one of Hannah’s many vials of poison for, I don’t know, a 7Up or some shit and croaks it. And they use Deborah’s treadmill as his gravestone. Because she sure as fuck won’t be using it anymore.

The End.

I wonder who it was that entered the writing room excited out of their very mind one day and bellowed ‘I’ve got it! Dexter puts his interest in sharp weapons and his skills for cutting things into becoming…wait for it, guys, you’re gonna love this – A WOODSMAN! – because, you know, that’s why he’s been doing all of this, right? He just loves weapons. This has all been about one man’s relationship with sharp tools. Right, guys? I mean, am I wrong? I’m wrong? What show are we working on again?’

People got PAID to make this show. Somebody thought the people involved in season 8 had (hahahaHAHAHA) TALENT worthy enough of investment! Which makes me feel like putting my slippers up on ebay with a starting bid of £10’000.

Seriously, did someone from Team Dexter find out that Walter White has to hide out in a log cabin with a plaid shirt and a beard for a portion of Breaking Bad this season and went ‘Eureka! They have all the best ideas! Let’s go with that!’. Because out of all the great aspects of BB they could have stole, it was the fucking lumberjack look that was taken.

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I’m just happy it’s finally over.

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One thought on “Fuck You, Dexter Morgan (A Dexter Finale Recap)

  1. Pingback: The 2014 Round-Up: Cinema with Amy R (Alabama Roxanne) | A Feminist Trash TV & Pop Culture Blog

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